Mob Mentality, Shared Delusion, Sick Dicks

When my ex-boyfriend and I were (mostly) broken up due to his unbridled despicableness, I went to a birthday party for one of his two brothers at his sister-in-law’s house where I’d been several times over the years. Mr. Piggy, my ex-boyfriend, had invited me to go with him.

You might be asking yourself, “Why would she go to a family party with her abuser?” I’ll answer roughly and briefly: I am the victim slash survivor of life-long, since infancy, narcissistic abuse and Family Scapegoat Abuse. I believe I had a “trauma bond” with Mr. Piggy.

After he invited me, he then uninvited me. This was unacceptable to me, so I showed up anyway. I wasn’t sure what I expected, but I didn’t expect to see and feel what I saw and felt. Mind you, this was before my mother died. I didn’t understand evil like I do now, since her death.

So I knock at Mr. Piggy’s sister-in-law’s door, wine in hand. She answers. Let’s call her Jen. So Jen answers and awkwardly invites me in. The women (the wives and moms of the family party goers) were somewhat pleasant but seemed uncomfortable. The brothers were another story. I certainly didn’t expect Mr. Piggy to tell his brothers that if I show up, to treat me with the utmost respect and courtesy. But I definitely didn’t expect them to be such unapologetic assholes. They ignored me, didn’t look me in the eye at all, and when I tried so say “Happy Birthday” to the brother whose birthday we were celebrating, he completely ignored me until his wife said something to him. So the women (kind-of) knew better, right-and-wrong wise, but the brothers? I couldn’t believe it. I was absolutely terrified that one bad man, Mr. Piggy, could talk his previously “nice” brothers into being sick dicks for no reason but Mr. Piggy told them to.

It was shortly after this event that I started studying up on the mechanics of evil. I’ve been terrified ever since (and I was already terrified). A disgusting person can just “say the word” and others will follow along no matter what.

How f***ing sick is this world?

This incident helped inspire me to explore and understand my mom and sister’s narcissism and how it seems like an entire world can be against me and treat me badly for no fault of my own, only at the behest and coercion of evil people. And sometimes they don’t even need those things (behest and coercion). Sometimes all it takes is just being a witness to someone being treated badly, then they think, “Oh. Okay. I guess I need to treat this person badly”.

You should all be very afraid.

First Anniversary Sketch for Respondent from Petitioner 1995

To Respondent,

I love you so much!

Happy Anniversary 1st!

In 49 more years, we will have our 50th!

I am so lucky I have someone as special as you to spend the rest of my life with. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful, warm, generous, kind & understanding husband to love and to love me back. I love you more than I can say and I appreciate you and everything you are.

How did I get so lucky?

You are an angel from heaven!

I love you always , forever & ever!

Love,

Petitioner

The Constitution is somewhat like Torah that both are Laws of a Nation. The difference is that The Constitution was constructed and given to Americans by Americans and Torah was given by G-d to the World. That’s King.

Does everyone know about the little 3-year-old boy in Montana who was lost in the wild for 2 days alone?  He wondered away from his mom and got lost.  For 2 days.  Alone.  3 years old.  As if that’s not fascinating on its own, it is the photos of before and after that has my mind going crazy.  I was substitute teaching a high school welding class and a student told me about it.

I immediately looked up the story, during class. I was almost dismissive of it as the student mentioned the pictures and how he looked like a different person…until I saw the photos of the before and after for myself.

I sometimes think of my childhood as kind-of feral.  I wasn’t fending for my physical survival necessarily, but I was on my own emotionally and mentally—and not just alone, alone with an enemy that wanted nothing more than for me to not exist. It was more complicated, and damaging, than just being on my own.

For instance, this sweet child, Ryker Webb, wasn’t just alone frolicking around in the wilderness eating berries, wood whittling and collecting bugs whilst whistling, killing time as he waits for someone to rescue him.  He was staving off wild animals and instinctively looking for shelter and safety to save his life.  Again, he was 3 years old. 

Here he is as he should be—a carefree and happy 3-year-old:

And here he is, not long after the above photo was taken, after 2 days alone in the wilderness, taken at the hospital after his rescue:

My childhood was similar, although I wasn’t necessarily fighting for physical survival, it was emotional and mental nourishment I needed.  And it wasn’t just an isolated 2 days. I didn’t just not get my needs met–I was emotionally and mentally abused and neglected, for decades.

Below are photos that illustrate maltreatment, discomfort, and distress.  I should have never looked like this.  Not only did I look like this, I looked like this without having been lost in the wilderness for 2 days.  This was done to me in my very own home by my very own family, my older sister being the master of puppets:

Regarding one of the photos, the one where I’m on a scale (top right); granted, that would make most any girl unhappy or uncomfortable.  Also, while we’re talking about the photos, I couldn’t help but notice that I’m dressed up and hair-cutted to look like a boy.  This is something I will address in a future post about coercive control and narcissistic abuse, so do check back.

When things happen to you that shouldn’t, you are not the same person you are supposed to be, not the person G-d intended—at least the G-d I know and love wants no one to suffer, be it being raised in a family riddled with narcissists, or being lost for 2 days in the wilderness at 3 years old.  Sometimes this suffering is observable on the outside, as you can see in the photos of myself and Ryker.  What I can assure you is that there’s suffering and damage on the inside even more.  What Ryker has going for him is that his time in the wild with no guidance and shelter and safety against the “enemies” was only 2 days, and his family wasn’t hurting him on purpose.  In fact, they were desperately trying to rescue and love him.  No one came for me, and no one is coming.  Mine is a life sentence unless I can figure out how to overturn it.

An additional note of interest—looking at the photos of me and my sister—if you have good and evil in a room together, or in a picture, it is the evil one that is most likely going to be the one smiling.

In 2021, a few months after my mom died, I uncovered my sister’s personality disorder. I was reading all I could about it. I devoured it. There was not one article that said it was a good idea to confront your narcissistic abuser or reveal to them, or anyone else, that you “know”. Well, do I have to say it? Are you gonna make me say it? “I didn’t listen”. For some reason, I thought I’d be safe. I thought I’d be different. I thought that if I came forward and didn’t keep the secret, I would be protected and safe and that my friends and family and maybe even some enemies would rally around me and stand by my side. Must I say this, too? They didn’t. Not even my own children have my back. It went exactly the way every single article and expert on the matter said it would. As I was warned, things only got worse.

I would do it differently if I had the chance to do it again. I certainly don’t agree that it should be that way, but that’s the way it is. There will come a time when it (narcissistic abuse) will be talked about in the open, be understood and no longer hidden and victims won’t be blamed. The things that are so blatant and obvious to survivors of narcissistic abuse will also be obvious to everyone else.

It’s frustrating and terrifying when things that are so obviously wrong are not obviously wrong to the rest of the world. We should never take that for granted–that something so obviously wrong isn’t so obviously wrong to everyone. G-d learned this the hard way after he created Adam and Eve (and family). He basically created them but didn’t think He needed any rules. He erroneously figured that things that were wrong would be so obviously wrong that people wouldn’t do them. Moving on to Cain and Abel, the first children on earth, the first pair of siblings on earth–again, no rules. Evil nature of man, even siblings, was taken for granted, and Cain, jealous of his very own brother, killed him.

We learn a tough lesson in this story, that things so obviously wrong, like killing your own brother in a fit of jealousy, isn’t actually so obviously wrong. People did it. People do it. So then G-d gave the world 7 rules, one is “Do Not Murder”, because it, unfortunately, isn’t so obviously wrong.

My sister is an extremely successful narcissist. This is due to our morally ignorant and corrupt mother and, with that, eventually many, many others (who would never have been part of my destruction had it not been for my mother, as a mother is most naturally a child’s protector-which is not the case here).

My little half-sister (who my clinical and biblical narcissist sister and I share a dad with) had a surprise birthday celebration arranged for her by my narcissistic sister. My little sister and I have a birthday one day (but 6 years) apart, yet this surprise party was strictly for my little sister. My sister has never had a party for me nor has she come to any parties for me. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it. This will surprise no one who has any schooling at all on narcissistic abuse, coercive control, gaslighting and such.

This is a voicemail message from my narcissistic sister regarding the surprise party for our younger half-sister:

To the naked ear, this is a “sweet and innocent” voicemail. To a trained ear, or someone who knows how one with Narcissistic Personality Disorder operates, this is clearly the work of evil.

What I remember vividly was my narcissistic sister’s insistence that my then-boyfriend come as well. But why? Well, because a narcissistic abuser wants everyone else to also abuse you. Also, of course, my own children were there to watch and observe. And watching and observing me be disrespected and disregarded and me just “going with it” is a great way to do it (and-not-so-coincidentally, my then-boyfriend was abusive and eventually this abuse got physical). And doing this while she is showing love, respect, and appreciation to someone else (our little sister) is all the more impactful (I think this narcissistic tactic might be referred to as “Dog Whistling”).

Oh, readers, it is so hard to explain this. It is even harder to explain it without sounding like an ungrateful and jealous bad guy, which is entirely not the case at all.

I hope someday I can put it all together and have it make sense. I’m raising awareness and sensitivity so that people can stop it or at least not play into it. Pretty much my entire family, including my own children, have bought into my sister’s narrative and it is lonely, it is painful, it is infuriating.