So, how does my daughter’s aunt, my sister, get the front row seat during my daughter’s wedding ceremony but I, her mom, have an assigned seat in the nosebleeds?
I can’t answer for the, likely no, other mom who has endured such a situation, but as for me and my daughter, the back seat to my sister at my own daughter’s wedding is attributable to my sister’s ignored and never treated personality disorder and close to 20 years of my sister grooming and conditioning my daughter so that betraying and dishonoring me would come easy.
When my mom died 3 years ago in 2021, I understood that I grew up not just with a narcissistic mother, but more surprisingly, I learned that I grew up the younger sister of a girl with full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As with the majority of other people who have a Narcissistic Family System and are victims of abuse—narcissistic sibling abuse, emotional abuse, family scapegoat abuse, narcissistic abuse, and so forth—most of us are not “woke” to this until we are in our fifties. We spend our lives trying with all of our mights to gain or earn or, dare I say, receive unconditionally, the love and affection of our abuser(s). We have no idea we are being abused and there is likely more than one narcissistic abuser. We have been convinced that it is us and haven’t earned or don’t deserve love. We are manipulated to believe, essentially, that we are the problem or a problem. This is gaslighting or coercive control. If you’re already in your fifties and you discover that the people that were to see to it that you’re at the very least safe and secure and hopefully loved are actually destroying you, taking from you, robbing you, well, by then, your kids could be halfway gone. To finish the job, it’ll just take the next on the list of people with power over your children…their dad. Some dads wouldn’t much dream of sitting the mother of his daughter in the nosebleeds at their daughter’s wedding with the mother-of-the-bride’s sister in the front row, but clearly one did.
Back to my daughter and how it came to be that I was assigned a seat behind my sister at my own daughter’s wedding:
The same techniques used to control my world my entire life were and are being used on my daughter. Starting no later than 2009 but probably much earlier, my sister began her “work” on my children with a particular interest in my daughter. My sister was “grooming” or “conditioning” my daughter (and others directly or indirectly). People with NPD are very similar to cult leaders in how they get “smart people” to join and participate.
In 2009, my husband and I and our three kids moved back to California from Utah. I was elated to get back to my home state where my family is: my mom and step-dad, my dad and step-mom, and my sister and her husband and my niece and nephew.
My two oldest children, son and daughter, had begun to show signs of indifference and disrespect towards me prior to 2009. Things my husband would do and say to them about me or regarding me were sometimes not favorable for united parenting and respect for both parents. I didn’t say much to my husband about my observations during that time because, as the victim of life-long and current narcissistic abuse in my family of origin, I did not know up down from sideways.
After 2009, the disrespect and indifference towards me from my two older kids, especially my daughter, was noticeable. I was ashamed, but not of my daughter (as a normal mom would be, but of ME (which won’t be a surprise to my sister survivors of sibling and parent narcissistic abuse)). This same year, unbeknownst to me, my mother had a will written wherein I’m disinherited (as are 2 step-siblings) with my sister getting it all. Even after this, we still visited like “normal”, like a document so despicable wasn’t just signed and notarized by our mom. I thought we were just one big intestate family going to each other’s kids’ plays, sports events, and birthday parties. Later in 2009, I became estranged from my mom due to a mind-blowing, heart-shattering encounter with her mental and moral illness. HTTP://thecalculusofnegligence.com/kitchen-bad-mom-incident/
At least my sister was around to help me feel better and assure me that our “mom should never have said such horrible things” and that it would be “okay if you never want to talk to mom again”. She also said that, just in case our mom disinherits me because I won’t be speaking to her, she’ll give me half of whatever she gets. But, as previously stated, my mother had, months prior to this, disinherited me. It’s very safe to say my sister is the mastermind behind this devastating, life-ruining encounter.
Jumping to 2014:
My husband and I separated in 2014 after 20 years of marriage. We were not quite done raising our three children. We separated on account of him being, in a nutshell, a liar and a cheater. My husband was a very easy recruit to help my sister take everything. I wouldn’t say he’s a man that will have a comfortable ride on the bus to heaven. She knew it all along. I believe someone with NPD or The Dark Triad can feel and see if a potential and prospective parter-in-crime is ripe, ready, and willing. Almost as much as they can spot innocence, they can spot evil– and they will use either to satisfy their insatiable needs and desires.
Coming soon: Sisters, Serial Killers, and The Animal Spirit